Driving a truck cross-country gives a man a lot of time to think, especially when traveling through what seemed like an endless desert. That alone can stir up any long-lost memories, as quick as a dust storm can kick up clouds of blinding sand. I was on my way back home to Okeechobee, on a trip that started off in hell. . . Well. . . Hot as hell! Sin City. . . Smack-dab in the middle of summer. . . Here I was surrounded by nothing but vast desert, where every inch of land is withered from the scorching sun, so hot that even the tumbleweeds scurry to avoid the blazing heat.

1

before I could face my demons alone. And so, as if by some form of divine intervention, I uncovered Stoicism first. It was as if the monumental mountains, with their defined rigidness chiseled away at my own edgy thoughts, and sculpted Stoic wisdom into my weary mind. And just like the road I was on that created the passages, I would go with the flow to face adversity, too. With the help from Stoic wisdom, I would be guided through all of my past traumatic events; that until now, over fifty years later, had hindered my rite of passage. It was if my tiny little hand from all those years ago was just now was being held, to truly show me the way home.

3

As I kept trucking down the desolate highway, a rabbit suddenly appeared from out of nowhere and ran directly in front of my path. And just when I thought it would make it safely across the road, it stopped dead-in-its-tracks. I continued barreling straight at the little critter, but it remained perfectly still, frozen in fear. I instinctively knew I could not swerve an eighteen-wheeler to avoid hitting a little rabbit, so the closer I got to the inevitable roadkill the more I blessed the vultures soon-to-be next meal. I cried out, "Don't move little' guy!" I did not want to look back, but I did. Not at the rabbit, but at myself. I looked all the way back, to the very beginning.

5

Like howling winds that echo throughout the desert canyon walls, I still can remember hearing my mom's grieving over the death of my father coming from inside of that bedroom, even now, some fifty years later, weeping, that would only stop whenever I tried to reach-up to turn the door-knob to enter her room. Being so young back then I never understood as to why she was crying so much, particularly with it being several years after my father's passing. Furthermore, I don't recall seeing any framed pictures of dear ole' dad being displayed around the house, let alone knowing anything about him at the time. My mom must have thought that any stories about

7

my dad's demise should not be told to me until I was much older, most likely in an attempt to thwart off any disturbing emotions that I might have experienced at such a young and vulnerable age. Nevertheless, my father's life-story would be a tale with a plot that never had a chance to fully unfold. Like a book, with many of its chapters ripped out of it. Slammed shut! With its bookmark stuck, dead-center, right in the middle of it. A very short-story without a happy ending, placed high upon a shelf collecting dust.

8

Like being duped by a mirage on a sun drenched desert horizon, I felt deceived, like I was traveling backwards, as I continued going further and further into the past, where memories that were once lost in the sands of time were all now tagging along with me for the ride. Nevertheless, like an artist that changes a blank canvas into a vibrant piece of art with just a few brush strokes, the vast desert landscape soon gave way to northern Arizona's red rock canyons and vast pine forests. I sensed that there was something more on the horizon other than a change of scenery, and that I would soon be, in more ways than one, on the road that was less traveled.

9

The various twists and turns throughout the mountain passes created a kaleidoscope effect in my mind's eye. The hypnotic like state-of-mind produced an array of childhood memories that played back in my head like scenes from an old black-and-white flick from the distant past. As I descended down the mountain every view became more vivid, as if now being seen in high def. From high atop the summit, down to the mere pebbles that lie beneath the surfaces in the creek beds below, so too was the hierarchy in my family of biblical proportions. And from the very depths below, it would be I who was fated to cast the first stone.

10

As I took each steep declining turn down the mountain very slowly, I recalled how turning five years old also seemed like an eternity at the age of four, especially when I stood at the front door and watched as my older siblings ran off to school without me. I counted on my fingers. "One. Two. Three. Four." I knew if I added my thumb to the count it would equal five. And then, and only then would I be able to go to school with them, too. But until then, my thumb sucked. After they rushed out the door, I’d run to the kitchen window, and from up on my tippy-toes get one last glimpse of them turning the street corner, ever so slowly fading from view.

11

After several months of listening to my older siblings talk about all of the friends they made at school, I took it upon myself to make a new friend, too. Literally. . . One morning, after my brother and sisters were away at school, I began my quest to find my very own BFF. And when I entered the laundry room, and saw a bunch of dirty clothes piled high in the hamper spilling out onto the floor, I immediately knew I had done just that. "There!" Right in front of me laid a lifeless pair of old blue jeans and an extra-large sweat shirt. To the non observing eye it was just a bunch of dirty laundry lying on the floor, but I saw a friend that was about to unfold, right before my very eyes.

12

I eagerly began stuffing the jeans and sweat shirt with any clothes I could grab, until my soon-to-be best friend's chest protruded out like a weightlifter. I added a pair of black rubber rain boots for his feet, and then cheerfully introduced myself. . . . .


"Hi Herman! I’m Johnny!" . . . .

13

. . . I was devastated, but only momentarily, because I immediately knew what was missing. So I ran throughout the entire house until I found exactly what I was looking for. A football helmet that my oldest brother Mitchell had left behind after he flew-the-coop a few years earlier. I raced back into the laundry room, topped Herman off with the helmet for his head, then greeted him once again, but only this time with just a big-fat smile on my face. And to my delight, Herman smiled right back at me, with that bright, white face-mask smile of his. However, that eerie unsettling sound of silence loomed over me, as if I wasn't playing make-believe at all.

14

Noble silence is not the absence of words, but the presence of awareness. A tranquil and focused mind that lets go of constant commentary, judgment, and fantasy. This state of inner stillness allows a person to access a deeper sense of presence and connection with their inner self and the world around them. By creating this space, we can listen more deeply to our thoughts, our emotions, and the world around us, and see things more clearly.

15

I dragged Herman very slowly into my bedroom, and just as we were getting acquainted with each other. . . Squeak! Squeak! "There! Right there!" Peering directly at me from inside of the closet were two black beady eyes. Its stare was intense. My heart raced! I screamed! "Run Herman! A mouse!" I ran out of the bedroom so fast, I left Herman behind in a cloud of dust! I knew I had to go back and save him, too, so I rushed back into the bedroom and pulled him out leaving a trail of body parts all along the way. And despite "All the King's Horses and all the King's Men," Herman had meet the same fate as Humpty Dumpty, and could not be put back together again.

16

As I continued to piece my own life back together again, I came to the realization that Herman had played a far more significant role than I ever could have imagined. His silence had bridged the gap between living in a quiet imaginary world and the cynical rhetoric that I constantly received from Butch, my third oldest brother. Without saying a word, Herman had inadvertently pointed out to me, figuratively ☺ of course, the contempt and disdain that Butch had for me. It was a harsh reality that until now had fallen on deaf ears, but it was also perhaps the very catalyst that fueled my creativity, allowing me to get lost in a world of make-believe.

17

And, as if right on cue, ominous clouds suddenly blanketed the morning sun on the horizon, casting a huge shadow of darkness as far as the eye could see. The initial sound from the rain hitting my windshield mimicked a drummer violently tapping on a snare drum.

rat-a-tat-tat-tat

Thunderous booms erupted, accompanied by a hellacious down pouring of rain that had my windshield wipers flapping back-and-forth, like the arms of a musical conductor who was trying to lead an orchestra that was completely out of control, and totally out of tune.

18

As the storm intensified, my thoughts took me down a long and winding mental roller coaster ride. 'Around-and-around' and 'up-and down,' from the here and now to the faraway past. Suddenly, huge bolts of lightning lit up the sky, creating an electrical storm that exploded all around me, instantly transporting me back to what seemed like a thousand years ago. "Go ahead and count to four one more time, then see what happens!" Butch said to me, with a sinister look in his eye. And when I stuck the knife into the electrical outlet, a flurry of fierce sparks violently shot out of the wall.

19

As if crying out loud, the windshield wipers began to screech across the dried glass. A perfect soundtrack for the ending of a tumultuous storm, and a brief sad story. As I slowly began to see more clearly through the eye of the storm, the spectacular sight from atop the summit was surpassed by an even more extraordinary point-of-view. My mother's very own perspective at the time of my birth that I would eventually become privy to. I would learn first hand as to why she was so fixated with me when I was born. And why wouldn't she be? What else could be better for the psyche after the sudden loss of her beloved husband than giving birth to a brand new shiny little baby boy?

20

She obsessed over me to the point of never being let go of, as if I were a caterpillar encased in a cocoon, with the words, "Don't grow up, because I need you to always be close to me." whispered into my tiny ear. While on the other hand, or rather, other mouths to feed, she might as well have said to them, "Grow up! Don't be a child, so I don't have to take care of you anymore!" Nonetheless, nobody was left unscathed, especially "yours truly," as I would be knocked off my pedestal as quick as I flew off my feet when the electricity shot through my body on that fateful day. Meanwhile, all of my older siblings would be forced to transform into butterflies, too soon.

21

By the time I was knee-high to a grasshopper, three of my six oldest siblings had already left the nest to set-out on their own individual paths in life. As diversed as a butcher, baker and candlestick maker. Mitchell, the eldest and newly elected 'Patroit of the Family,' who apparently didn't get the memo, because just like his predecessor, seemed like a ghost, along with Edwin, my second oldest brother, and Carol, my eldest sister, all sped out of the house like race cars immediately after our dad's death, raising more red flags than a crash at Indy 500, as to why they left home so quickly.

22

The earth shattering sound of breaking glass abruptly stole the small amount of tranquility that existed on the home front, when everything in the kitchen cupboards was thrown and smashed against the living room walls. One of many unprovoked vilolent outbursts of rage that my mom would exhibit throughout my early childhood. The aftermath would get cleaned up, nonchalantly, by my two remaining sisters still living at home, Nan and Lynn. The shattered remnants symbolized a broken family that would continue well into my adolescence, and beyond. I watched, bewildered, as the humiliating betrayal of trust got quietly swept under the rug.

Perhaps the culmination of the stress from my father's small monthly death benefits never being enough to pay the bills, let alone feed four children still living at home, fueled her rage. Or maybe her bouts of anger were caused by memories of our father's blatant narcissism and hedonism that she had to endure while he was alive, made her feel, both literally and figuratively, short-changed. Allegations substantiated by eyewitness testimony from Mitchell, Edwin and Carol in the court of public opinion, years later. Her wrecking ball-like mood swings would completely demolish everything in its path, leaving the entire family structure in complete and total ruins.

25

Like a dramatic change of scenery on a cross-country road trip, our mother's generally good nature would turn on a dime, into an entirely different state of being. From a picturesque and inviting setting, to a harsh and uninhabitable environment, especially for Butch and me. Perhaps we were guilty by association for merely resembling our dad. We endured clothesline rope whippings that left welts on our entire bodies for simply being two constantly active, high-strung kids. Nothing we did wrong could justify such cruel and unusual punishment. Despite being far removed from home, I had already arrived at a conclusion that hit home with me. Be Stoic.

26

Replaced and moved to page 2

27

testing 1 2 3

28

Little did I know at the time, all of the precious commodities, in the form of intangible assets that I would pick-up along the way on my journey back east, would steer me in the direction I needed to go in order for me to find peace of mind. As if there was more cargo in my head than what was loaded and being dragged behind me in the back of my rig's trailer. The monumental mountains, with their defined rigidness, would slowly chisel away at my own edgy thoughts to sculpt Stoic wisdom into my weary and troubled mind. Thoughts, so diversed, and piled high, but with plenty of time for me to sort through each and everyone of them.

29

After several months of listening to my older siblings talk about all of the friends they made at school, I took it upon myself to make a new friend, too. Literally. . . One morning, after my brother and sisters were away at school, I began my quest to find my very own BFF, and when I entered the laundry room, and saw a bunch of dirty clothes piled high in the hamper spilling out onto the floor, I immediately knew I had done just that. There, right in front of me, laid a lifeless pair of old blue jeans and an extra-large sweat shirt. To the non observing eye laid a bunch of dirty laundry lying on the floor, but I saw a friend, and he was about to unfold, right before my very eyes.

30

I counted on my fingers. . . . One. . . . Two. . . . Three. . . . Four. . . . I knew if I added my thumb to the count it would equal five, and then and only then, would I be able to go off to school with my older siblings. But until then, my thumb sucked! Because turning five years old seemed like an eternity at the age of four, especially when I stood at the front door and hopelessly watched as they ran off to school in the mornings without me. After they rushed out the door, I’d run over to the kitchen window, and from up on my tippy-toes, get one last glimpse of them from my high window sill view, turning the street corner on their way to school, ever so slowly, fading from view.

31

After several months of listening to my older siblings talk about all of the friends they made at school, I took it upon myself to make a new friend, too. Literally. . . One morning, after my brother and sisters were away at school, I began my quest to find my very own BFF, and when I entered the laundry room, and saw a bunch of dirty clothes piled high in the hamper spilling out onto the floor, I immediately knew I had done just that. There, right in front of me, laid a lifeless pair of old blue jeans and an extra-large sweat shirt. To the non observing eye laid a bunch of dirty laundry lying on the floor, but I saw a friend, and he was about to unfold, right before my very eyes.

32

I counted on my fingers. . . . One. . . . Two. . . . Three. . . . Four. . . . I knew if I added my thumb to the count it would equal five, and then and only then, would I be able to go off to school with my older siblings. But until then, my thumb sucked! Because turning five years old seemed like an eternity at the age of four, especially when I stood at the front door and hopelessly watched as they ran off to school in the mornings without me. After they rushed out the door, I’d run over to the kitchen window, and from up on my tippy-toes, get one last glimpse of them from my high window sill view, turning the street corner on their way to school, ever so slowly, fading from view.

33

34